


Counting the Days

by 1thousandminus7



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Basically my take on Lelouch's death, It's a bit graphic I guess maybe???, It's not the worst I've ever written, M/M, Only a little bit shippy, mostly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 13:10:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14593722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1thousandminus7/pseuds/1thousandminus7
Summary: Lelouch has put his life on the line more times than he can count. After all, only one who is prepared to die should be allowed to kill. But this is different, in the way that turning something over and over in your mind makes everything worse.Inspired by a late night conversation with Kaneki_vampire after watching the finale together.





	Counting the Days

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kaneki_vampire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaneki_vampire/gifts).



> So I'm in the middle of exam season which is why nothing is getting updated rn but I got a burst of inspiration and tapped out a couple thousand words in an evening, so here you go :P

Lelouch had vanished again. The weight of those robes had started to feel unbearably hot and heavy after his latest address, and he needed to get them off. The nightmare of the previous night was still hanging over his mind, and as he shucked off the robes and chucked them over the bed on his way to the bathroom, he had to take a series of deep breaths to push down the horrible twisting in his gut. In front of the mirror, he splashed water on his heated face, hating the flush on his pale cheeks, and tried to just breathe.

 

Just breathe. Breathing. Slow and steady and unconscious. Something he wouldn’t be doing for much longer. He unbuttoned his shirt and watched the steady rise and fall of his own chest. Pressed his palm to his heart and tried to feel its beat. After a moment of suffocating silence, he found it, and that was enough to do it. His breath shuddered and his head bowed as he succumbed to tears. As much as he hated it, as much as he wanted to ignore it, he couldn’t deny it.

 

Lelouch was scared.

 

Scared of his own plan. Scared of going too far, of losing someone else before he could save them, and more than anything else… Scared of dying. He had weeks, maybe. Days he could count on a calendar. And there was no backing out now; the cogs were already turning, he’d already gone too far. So much death, so much despair, so many crimes laid at his feet, the weight of it all suffocating. The hardest parts were when he had to confront someone he cared for and act like he didn’t care. Turning away from Rivalz to leave him to be beaten by his guards, acting like he didn’t know Kallen even after she stole a kiss from him, watching Kaguya avert her eyes from him and the black knights, the very people he’d championed, look at him with pure hatred in their eyes where there had once been respect, admiration, even love. Every night he lay awake wondering if he could somehow find another way, go back to being the champion of the people, go back to being loved. But no. That was impossible now, and he was condemned. To die for the sins of the whole world, like some sort of twisted perversion of the Holy Christ.

 

His fingernails dug into the bare skin of his chest as he clutched at it, his body wracked with painful sobs. He was eighteen, for God’s sake. Eighteen and already the most hated person on the planet.

 

When he heard the door to his chamber open, he straightened up in shock, breath heaving as he looked at his own broken reflection.

“ _GO AWAY!”_ He yelled, ashamed and horrified that someone might see him like this. In a hurry, he pulled the contacts from his eyes and turned to the door, expecting to wipe the memory of whatever foolish attendant had invaded his private space without permission. When the bathroom door was pushed open, he swept a hand out to point at the intruder. _“Lelouch vi Britannia commands you-!”_ A strong hand caught his wrist, and he froze.

“We both know that doesn’t work on me any more.” Suzaku told him in a quietly cool tone. Lelouch panted softly, emotionally wrung out and too horrified to speak. “You’re a mess, Lelouch.”

Lelouch snatched his hand back and snarled, trying to muster up any of the acid he knew he could speak with. “I told you to go away.”

“No. You practically ran away after your speech. You’re not having second thoughts, are you?” There was a hard edge to Suzaku’s voice. A reminder that the plan, the Zero Requiem was the only reason Suzaku allowed any of this to happen.

Lelouch opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again. He wished he could say no. That he was just as confident about this plan as he was with all his others. Suzaku’s expression twisted, and he grabbed Lelouch’s open shirt collar, pulling him close. “You are NOT backing out of this. You did this. Now don’t you dare give up or I will end you anyway, and all this pain will be for nothing. _Nothing._ ” He spat. Lelouch didn’t know what to say, how to react. After a moment, he settled on the truth.

“I’m scared.” His voice shook a little, uncharacteristically unsteady.

Something in Suzaku’s eyes flickered, and his grip relaxed just a touch. “Of failing?”

Lelouch swallowed around the lump in his throat, trying to suppress more tears. “Of dying.”

Suzaku frowned. “You’ve put your life on the line hundreds of times and not blinked an eye.” His grip tightened again, malicious suspicion in his features. “Are you trying to guilt trip me out of going through with this?”

“That was different. I never went into a battle I thought I couldn’t win. I thought I was unbeatable… even when I thought I couldn’t get out of it, it was in the moment. I didn’t have time to think. This is premeditated, it’s set in stone, it’s… I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“…Oh.” Suzaku let go, unsure of how to feel. “This was your plan.” He asserted, as though that would make things better.

“I know.” Lelouch covered his eyes with a hand, his breath still shuddering in his chest. “I have nightmares about it.” He admitted. “It- it hurts. I don’t know what it feels like, to get run through, or shot, or choked, but in my head it hurts too much.”

“I’m not going to choke you.” Suzaku told him, his words sombre.

“You’ve thought about it, haven’t you?” Lelouch challenged him, dropping his hand so Suzaku could see the strange designs permanently etched into his once-violet eyes. “How you’re going to do it.”

Now it was Suzaku’s turn to be lost for words. The short answer was yes, he had, but now that Lelouch was stood in front of him without his royal regalia, thin torso exposed under his shirt, he didn’t think he wanted to shove a sword through his gut. He looked too frail, too… human. This wasn’t Lelouch vi Britannia, the Emperor, the Demon King, Zero, or any of his many titles. This was just Lelouch, the boy he used to play with, and go to school with. “It will happen how it happens.” Was the answer he settled on, and Lelouch gave a mirthless chuckle.

“Make it quick.” The cynical smile left his face as soon as it arrived, and he met Suzaku’s eyes with a horribly poignant stab of shame. “Suzaku… Can I make an unconventional request?”

“As though you haven’t already.” Suzaku murmured.

“Indeed. But this is unusual even for me. Especially for me.”

“You sound like you don’t want to ask it.”

“I don’t.”

“Then ask it.”

Lelouch was quiet for a moment. Then he stepped forward. “Hold me.”

Suzaku’s eyes widened a little, and his heart ached for the man in front of him. He opened his arms, and Lelouch collapsed into them, clutching at Suzaku’s robes and burying his face in his shoulder as he cried. Suzaku just hugged him, feeling mildly shell-shocked.

 

That night, Suzaku stayed with Lelouch. It was ironic, he thought, that Lelouch would seek comfort from impending death in the arms of the one who would kill him. But then, he supposed, no one else knew their plan. He was the only one Lelouch _could_ go to. And that only made his pity for Lelouch grow.

 

 

The battle was big, and much was lost. Schneizel was an excellent opponent, right to the very end, and when he fell and Lelouch proclaimed his victory to the world, he felt exhilarated. He’d never beaten his big brother before, and to finally do so felt incredibly fulfilling. After that, he became the Emperor. The only Emperor. The world bowed before him, and catered to his every whim. The whispers began, murmurs of dissent that reached Lelouch’s ears. Thus began a delicate balance of cultivating and crushing them, letting his reputation as the Demon King of Britannia grow and fester, whilst punishing enough dissenters to keep the people bowed and subjugated. For three months, he reigned, and for three months he looked to Suzaku and Suzaku alone for reassurance and guidance. The final stages of the Zero Requiem were decided, and Lelouch maintained his mask- a different sort of mask to the symbol of hope he had once worn, but just as heavy. Suzaku remained in hiding, with Lelouch as his only contact with the outside world. The mantle of Zero was passed, and soon- too soon- the day came.

 

On one hand, Lelouch thought to himself, lazing in his throne and watching the petrified faces of the people- _his_ people- go by, his damned heart was pounding hard in his chest, and his gut was twisted in so many knots he felt as though he would be sick. On the other, as his eyes flitted to the people he had once called friends, comrades-in-arms, he reassured himself that today was the day they would all be freed. Today was the day Nunnally’s gentle world would come to be. The anticipation was the worst part, and it was taking all his willpower to stay sat in his seat and act as though nothing was wrong. When the crowd collectively gasped and his entourage ground to a halt, it was as much a relief as it was terrifying.

 _Suzaku._ He thought to himself as he saw the figure in sharp relief before them. As striking a figure as he would have been, what felt like years ago. He mirrored the shock of the onlookers, could feel their confusion palpable in the air. The figure- Zero- broke out into a sprint, and how could anyone doubt the face behind the mask when he moved like that? He watched as his guards and Jeremiah tried and failed to defend him against his own knight, and when Suzaku stood before him he played his part and ripped out his pistol, unsurprised when the blunt edge of the blade slapped it sharply from his hand. Suzaku drew back, the point of the sword catching the sunlight just so, and Lelouch smiled. He felt dizzy, months and months of built up fear and doubt and anticipation slipping as he realised just how easy this would be. His part was done. Now Suzaku could be the hero the world truly needed, and the war would die with him.

 

The first thing he thought was that it didn’t hurt nearly as much as he expected. Like Suzaku had punched him in the stomach, rather than stabbed him. It winded him, and almost immediately he felt wet heat soaking his abdomen, like someone had thrown a glass of warm water down his front. He touched it, and it felt mildly sticky. Behind the mask, he heard Suzaku’s voice, whispering just a single word.

“L-Lelouch…” Lelouch smiled softly. It sounded like Suzaku was a little choked up… so he really did care.

“This is your punishment too.” Lelouch murmured, and something in his lungs wasn’t quite working right, his legs were shaking beneath him. It was so easy to lean into Suzaku’s arms like he had done so many times in the past few months, and he rested his head on Suzaku’s shoulder. He didn’t feel like crying this time. If anything, he felt peaceful. Relieved. “You will be the defender of justice and wear a mask forever… You can no longer live as Kururugi Suzaku…” With one hand he cupped Suzaku’s face behind the mask, a quiet reassurance that it was okay. He wasn’t scared any more. The mantle had passed, and now it was his turn to shoulder the burden. “You will sacrifice all of your own happiness for the world… eternally…”

“I accept that Geass.” Suzaku told him, his voice rough, and Lelouch might have laughed, if he hadn’t used up all his air on talking. He supposed that yes, in a way this was. One last Geass command.

Suzaku pulled out the blade and the thing holding Lelouch steady was gone. Another warm rush, a soft throbbing pain and a wave of dizziness rolled over him. He took one… two… three shaky steps forward, and then his legs gave out from under him, and he fell. Hitting the ramp sent a sharp shock through his system, and he felt dazed and breathless as he slid to the bottom. For a brief moment, when he heard Nunnally’s voice as soft and gentle as she always used to be, he thought he was hallucinating. It hurt now, hurt like fire, but all that mattered was the light pressure of her hands on his. “This…” She almost whispered, and her voice was music to his ears. “Brother… You were… All along…” He felt his hand lifted, and heard her say, “Brother, I love you…” in a voice breathy with tears.

“Yes…” Lelouch breathed, and he wasn’t sure if he was actually saying it or if it was in his head, but his vision was going white, and the pain was drowned out by dizziness. “I destroy worlds…” He mused, watching the sky drain of colour above him. “And I create them…” He wasn’t conscious of precisely when his consciousness faded. One moment it was there, and the next…

 

 

Suzaku couldn’t breathe. Between the tears, and the running, and the fabric covering his mouth and nose behind the mask he felt stifled and breathless. Around him the crowd was chanting for Zero- chanting for _him_ \- but all he could hear was Lelouch’s last words to him in his head, and Nunnally’s screams. It was done. He’d wanted to kill Lelouch since Euphy, but now that it was done he felt like screaming too. Lelouch’s blood made an arc on the dais where he’d flicked it from the blade, and he felt sick. Before he could be drawn in by the crowds, he ran, disappearing as swiftly and enigmatically as he had arrived.

He ripped the mask off once he was out of sight, gulping in fresh air, but didn’t stop running until he was back at the safehouse where Lelouch had kept him following his ‘death’. There, he collapsed to his knees beside the bed that he’d consoled Lelouch on and sobbed, the blade still red with Lelouch’s blood clattering to the floor. It was done. He was gone. He cried for his dead best friend, his classmate, the stubborn child and the rebellious teenager and the strong, painfully strong young man whose mask cracked only for him. And when his tears dried up and his breathing no longer came in hiccupping sobs, he looked up and saw the mask, with the drying, rusty fingerprints painting the side. That mask was his life now. It was his turn to stand up and inspire the people, to become the new Zero, the new symbol of hope. It wouldn’t be easy, but he could do it. He had to.

After all, Lelouch had done it, and he couldn’t let the one he had loved down.


End file.
